Honest Orientation

The new employee orientation and team building exercises are almost as painful as the interview.

 

Get to know each other questions

What’s your biggest fear? 

That I died on my way here and this is hell and I’ll spend the rest of eternity learning about dress codes and sexual harassment policies.

If you were a superhero, who would you be? funny-anxiety-girl.jpg

If you could commit a crime without getting caught, what would you do? 

Let’s just say, we all know a motherfucker who you wouldn’t be sad if they disappeared…

What’s your greatest accomplishment?

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What they should ask instead…

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Chris Pratt, Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper

If you were stuck on a desert island with a man or woman, would you rather they be top half fish/bottom half human or bottom half fish/top half human? 

 Would you rather have sex with a sheep and no one knows about it? Or not have sex with a sheep and everyone thinks you did? 

50 Shades of Grey or Twilight? (Trick question: either answer will get you fired. The only acceptable answer is neither.)

 

Team building activities

Instead of…

Trust falls

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Try…

         Fight clubs. That way you know who the alpha of the group is.

images-3.jpeg

First rule of fight club: Shut the fuck up before Sally in HR gets her brass knuckles out

Instead of…

Charades

images-2.jpeg

Try…

Deliverance:

Divide your group into teams of 3-5. Leave them in the middle of the wilderness of rural Georgia. If the team survives, they’ll be much closer. And probably won’t give you or the rest of management any problems in the future as long as your mental health benefits are superb. Employee assistance programs FTW!

rambo

I’ll get that report to you by lunch, Bob

 

(Side note: Game of Thrones marathons are acceptable team building activities, as is beer pong.)

 

Other helpful hints

  • Don’t skimp on the catered lunch. Let us start working for you before we know how cheap the company is.
  • What are some of the unwritten policies? i.e., which bathroom do employees avoid using because either the plumbing is terrible or the entire department can hear you straining after Taco Tuesday? How casual is Casual Friday? Does that mean a fun tie with your suit, or is my lemur once acceptable?
  • Let us know who wins the “Most likely to have a body in their basement” award at the holiday party, and how much IT prefers to be bribed to ignore your internet search history (at least, until there’s a court order to hand it over).

 

 

 

 

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