Just once, I want to go into a job interview and be as honest as I want.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I initially got into this line of work because I genuinely cared and wanted to help people. I’ve come to realize that I don’t. But frankly, I don’t know what else I could do for this money and job security, so here I am.
Why do you want to work here?
You’re hiring. Since I’m not yet independently wealthy and I hate the outdoors, I need to be able to pay rent. It’s kismet.
Why should we hire you?
- I really, really hate having to job hunt. And as I told you earlier, I have no idea what to be when I grow up anyway. Basically, if you hire me, there is a really good chance that I’ll be here until I die.
- I will never be more than 3 minutes early. I’ll be on time more often than not, but I get anxious about being early and will sit in my car and check Facebook until it’s time to clock in just in time.
- I will try my hardest to abide by my canary theory. What’s that, you ask? Well, you know how they would take a canary into coal mines, and as long as the canary was ok the miners were ok to keep working? I pride myself on finding the coworker who is causing the most problems for you (the canary), and doing just a little bit better work than them. That way, I’m not having to try too hard and you’ll only have to deal with the one employee (who’s not me) causing problems. When possible, I will try to pin any of my mistakes on the canary, so again you only have one problem employee to deal with at a time.
Tell me about a time when you went above and beyond at work.
Honestly, I never have. I assure that I will always do the bare minimum to keep me from getting fired, and I will never disappoint you by breaking any promises I may have made about doing extra work – or doing it but turning in sub-par work to ensure you never ask me to do it again. My work for you will consistently be average.
Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a coworker.
Well, he wasn’t a coworker, but I did once try to get a roommate arrested for possible DUI, domestic abuse and selling drugs. He did none of the above, but he did lay on the couch and masturbate a lot. Another roommate was the recipient of a ginormous pair of yellowing underwear bought at Goodwill that was liberally coated in peanut butter (smooth, all natural) and mustard (spicy) to simulate an epic skid mark. Said panties were then hidden between his bed and wall when he was out for the evening. Technically, my then fiance/now husband was the true skid mark artist, but I managed the shit (pun intended) out of that project. Wait, can I use these answers for the “above and beyond” question??
What are three of your strengths?
- Day drinking.
- My moodiness really makes my coworkers shifts more interesting.
- Apathy and disdain for humanity. I know many people foolishly think that this might be a bad thing, but they’re wrong. So wrong. It’s liberating to have no fucks left to give, and frankly it’ll probably make me less likely to snap in the future because I’m already beaten down by the system.
What are three of your weaknesses?
- Despite having no discernible practical survival skills and few life skills in general, I firmly believe I will survive the zombie apocalypse.
- If I bring in any homemade food in, you should realize that I base my entire self worth on what you think of my cooking. I do not want your honest opinion
- The last time I was allowed to talk to a vendor, I ended up ranting about how annoying Andrea on The Walking Dead was, and the only reason I was sad she died was because her vagina was like a divining rod for the bad guys. Seriously, if she fucked someone, they turned out to be a bad guy (Shane, the Governor). This is a 100% true story. You should really not let me talk to people.
What questions do you have for me?
None, really, but I know you’re going to be all butt-hurt if I don’t play along, so …
- On a scale of 1 – walking on legos, how painful is the busy work required of this position?
- Are there a lot of assholes working here? What is the general ratio of douchebags to people who I don’t want to punch in the throat?
- How much time will I have to nap/Facebook/poop/Pinterest at work? I’m really looking for a company that will allow me to maintain my long term relationship with Hulu.