Things That Make The Angry Lemur Angry

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There’s been a lot of horrible things in the news lately. It’s really fucking depressing. Politics. Mass shootings. Essential oils, homeopathy and pseudoscience. Climate change. The Kardashians are considered still relevant. I could write whole webpages on my hatred of those things alone, but,

1. There are tons of articles on these things out there already that are way more informed and entertaining than anything I could write, and

2. It’s all so awful and overwhelming that i just don’t have the energy to scream into the empty void that is the internet about it all.

My first inclination to deal with all this awfulness is to embrace my inner hermit and buy a cabin as far from civilization as possible. Unfortunately, my bank account and love of food trucks vetoed this idea.

I could take the high road and instead of focusing on the excruciating negative, talk about how inordinately and profoundly grateful I am to have my husband, dog, family and friends in my life, and how I would be nothing without them. #motherfuckinblessed

Or, at the very least, I could post a bunch of inspirational memes on Facebook. If I get 20 likes, maybe all my societal hopelessness and anger will be wiped away!

Nah.

I’ll just get mad about things that aren’t soul crushingly depressing.

So here it is, in no particular order:

A Few Things That Really Just Piss Me Off

Americanos

AKA: A cup full of lies. They’re the overpriced watered down shot of espresso that’s masquerading as coffee. It’s not a cup of coffee though. Get your shit together Americano, and decide to be a coffee or an espresso. No one thinks your hipster attitude is cute anymore. (Side note – I do realize that my husband probably gets me iced americanos a lot, whenever our local coffee shop is out of regular iced coffee. I accept that while I probably can’t tell the difference in a blind taste test, I still stand by my anti-Americano stance). Just be who you are, Americano coffee. Stop trying to be who you aren’t.

Grease

The movie. Not the stuff that signifies a delicious piece of pizza. Although I really am not fond of that kind of grease either. But I really do love pizza. Why does Sandy have to go and change everything about herself to get Danny to like her in the end? Oh sure, he promises to try harder in school, use less hair gel, and I don’t know, stop telling her it’ll be just the tip just for a second this time? But those are empty promises, like when I say I’ll lose 5lbs, or when I say that I thought I paid that bill, it must still be in the mail. Spoiler alert: I won’t, and it’s not. We both know it. That’s Danny, he’s the check in the mail that “must’ve gotten lost”. Then you have Sandy. She’s all sweet to start, and ends up a chain smoking whore to earn Danny’s love and adoration. How is that fair? Why did she actually have to change instead of just promising she won’t key his car or fake a pregnancy for attention again?

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(Side note – I’m also suspicious that Sandy’s parents just decided to stay in America, instead of going back to Australia like they initially planned. This just screams “avoiding certain and unpleasant legal obligations/convictions” to me).

Don’t get me wrong, if it seemed like Sandy was dying to break out the leather pants so tight there’s no way her camel toe didn’t end up chaffed, power to ya sister, you chaff those lips! But whether Sandy was using Danny as an excuse to break out her dominatrix gear or was just trying to impress a boy, Danny is still a dickhead.

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Backfeifengesicht: German for “a face that’s badly in need of a fist”

 

“Look at what an awesome thing I did!” stories

These are the stories that always start off as click-bait articles. I fucking hate click-baits, but every once in a while, I do get suckered in. I’m not proud of myself, and I’m almost always disappointed by what I find. These particular stories even worse than regular click-baits, thanks to their self serving/begging for adulation nature.

It always starts off with some douchebag being a douchebag or some sort of indignity. Usually it involves some sort of military folk. (Side note: In the interest of time and energy conservation, I will condense and summarize the following stories to what I feel are the main points).

“I was sitting on a plane…and noticed 10 soldiers sitting around me not ordering lunch… Everyone was so impressed that I bought them lunches that they cried and gave me money and wet panties, but being the selfless true hero I am, I gave the money to the soldiers”

“I was a pilot on a major airline, and found out I had a deceased soldier and his family on board… I got the entire policy of the airline changed so that the family could see the casket and everyone cried and told me how amazing I was. You should definitely admire how much I did for the soldiers, I’m a goddamn hero”

“Someone was being horrible to a cashier. I stood up for them and everyone in line cheered for me and the cashier cried and said I changed his life and look at what a good person I am!! ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT A GOOD PERSON I AM GODDAMMIT!!!! LOVE ME LOVEMELOVEMELOVEMEMEMEME!!!!!”

  1. If this story is true, why are you (the author of the bullshit story, not whoever is just reposting this shit) telling this story like you are? You’re not trying to impress people with how heroic soldiers are, you want everyone to gush over how selfless and heroic YOU are. YOU are not being selfless. YOU are being a douche-canoe. (Side note: If you notice you’re reposting these bullshit stories, stop, punch yourself in the balls/vag as hard as you can, and then delete these posts).
  2. Spoiler alert: The vast majority of these stories aren’t even true, so stop spreading this click-bait shit. Stop encouraging this behavior. (http://gullibilityplanet.blogspot.com/2012/12/tear-jerky-military-fables.html) (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3351022/His-mother-alive-Woman-recounted-emotional-moment-Walmart-cashier-broke-work-mom-killed-branded-liar-store.html)

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