New Years Resolutions, or, Let’s Be Honest, I’m really not going to work out

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Every one makes New Years resolutions. Well, almost everyone. Some people. Okay, maybe it’s just me. And I don’t even know how legitimate that even is, since the only resolution I’ve ever kept was to watch every James Bond movie. (Side note – Sean Connery will always be the best, although I deeply love Daniel Craig. Pierce Brosnan is a dark part of the Bond history that should never have happened.) So when a friend came over we started talking about resolutions, I thought to myself, well, it’s a few weeks late, but it’s still January and this is my own goddamn personal growth here so I can do what I want because YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!

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Ahem… I decided to make some New Years resolutions, but I want to make ones I’m fairly confident I can keep. That way at the end of 2016 I can be like, yeah, I actually did my list, what now bitches?!? And then I’ll do a mic drop and leave. (Side note – more realistically, I’ll drop a taco, and likely not on purpose.)

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TACO DOWN!!!


In no particular order, my 2016 resolutions.


Not get hit by a bus. I have successfully not been hit by a bus 34 years in a row, so I’m fairly confident I can continue this trend.

Refrain from stabbing at least one person who really, really deserves it. Part of the problem with resolutions is that so many times, you set yourself up to fail by saying “Never” or “Always”. I think I’ll be more successful if I leave myself the option of screwing up. This way, if I do have to shank a bitch at some point, I can be like, oh well, today is just a cheat day, I’ll be really good and not stab anyone tomorrow.

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Not run out of toilet paper.

Send someone a dick in the mail. I have no explanation or defense for this, I just think I would feel like I’ve totally succeeded in life if I sent someone a dick. (Side note- I have not yet decided if this will be a malicious dick or congratulatory one. I like to keep my options open.)

Watch every Doctor Who episode. Obviously I’m referring to the classic episodes here, because anyone who’s every actually talked to me is probably painfully aware that I’ve seen every new episode at least twice.

Eat more tacos. I really like tacos.
Bring it 2016!

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