Ambien, or At Least I Still Know The Difference Between Their, They’re and There When I’m Asleep

Oh, Ambien.

I knew you were going to be trouble, ever since the night you convinced Seth that his bass guitar case was a breathing Transformer, and that the stickers decorating the case were getting each other riled up. I thought I would be special, it wouldn’t happen to me.
Spoiler alert: I was wrong.



The following is a sample of the texts that I sent my sister while on Ambien. I have not changed any spelling or grammar in order to save my dignity.

“I took an Ambien. My leg twitched. Does this mean I’ll have a seizure? What if Seth wakes up and I’m stuck in the sink? My ass is big. This is a valid concern.”

“They say there are no cats in America, and the streets are filled with cheese. No cats in America and you can do just as you please. But that is a lie my friend, there are cats in America. Sometimes they don’t look like cats, sometimes they’re the anthropomorphic personification of my dogs shit wearing a yellow toupee and running for president, but they are indeed cats. And those fucking cats want to take our dream of cheese away from the people. We can’t let this happen. Viva la frommage revolution!!!” (Side note – holy shit, look at those the big words. Way to go,  Ambien Tessa!!)


“I did not realize An American Tale was so political.”

“When you touch the tips of your thumbs in front of your phone and let your eyes go blurry it looks like two dogs kissing. My thumb dogs made out” (Side note – results are not reliably reproduced without pharmacological intervention)


My thoughts on the group dynamics of The Lion King:


“I have to Pee. Wish me luck”

“Success. After I peed I laid under the tree to see what all the lights look like from below. But then I got tangled up in a Seth wire sat up, a dalek ornament fell on me and I snorted a pine leaf… Sprig… Whatever they’re called”



“Maybe I’ll open a boutique called Pandora’s box. It’ll have Brazilian waxes, henna tattoos, vagazzeling, piercings and what not. I’ll be the owner so I’ll hire young impressionable women that need to understand what life is Really about”



I want to send a big shout out to autocorrect here. I know I’ve complained because no one in the history of ever has meant to type ducking mass schools. But damn did you have my back here! Also – I think I might be on to some great possible career paths here.



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