It’s Tuesday night. The husband is working, so I’m on my own for the night. So what’s a girl to do? Since I’m not really up for doing anything that would require changing out of my yoga pants, be presentable or social in any way, I’m left with only one viable option:
Home spa night!
If you go on Pinterest, you’ll likely see hundreds of tips for better skin, better hair, better everything. Some of them are ridiculous. “Try rubbing placenta over your stretch marks every other day, watch the stretch marks disappear!” “Drink a concoction of goats milk, green tea, and the blood of your enemies to maintain your youthful complexion!” Some sound more reasonable. Armed with a
glass bottle of wine, half a season of Orange is the New Black, and a few kitchen ingredients, I embarked on a voyage of the USS Pinterest to try out some of those more reasonable ideas.
1. Coconut oil as a deep conditioner.
Coconut oil is so trendy right now. You can’t throw a rock in a health and beauty store without hitting something with coconut in it. The idea is to rub 3-5 tablespoons of coconut oil into your hair for a couple of hours, wash it out, and enjoy your luxurious soft locks.
2. Egg white, lemon, oatmeal face mask.
Mix 1 egg white, 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, and 2 tablespoons of oatmeal. Take the resulting paste and spread it on your face. Leave it for 30 minutes, and when you clean it off, your pores will be cute and tiny and your skin smooth as a baby.
3. Coconut oil as a shaving cream.
Rub just a little bit of coconut on the area to be shaved. Shave.
7:00 pm – I scoop out a questionable amount of oil out of the jar and start to slather it onto my hair. First impression? Well, I probably should’ve warmed up the oil, as taking a ball of oil and splatting it on my head and trying to rub it in is not as efficient as you would think.
7:30 pm – I finally work the oil in, and wrap my hair up in one of husband’s t-shirts. I don’t know how well this will work out, but my god do I smell delicious!
7:35 pm – Open wine. Turn on Netflix.
8:15 pm – Pour more wine. Oh Crazy Eyes, you’re so crazy!!
9:00 pm – More wine? Don’t mind if I do! Also, craving coconut macaroons now.
9:30 pm – Mix the face mask up. Is it supposed to be both thin and chunky? I’m pretty sure I read something about how it was supposed to be a paste?
9:35 pm – Console self over potential imminent failure with more wine.
9:40 pm – Apply mask. Get a little overzealous with the application, splash some in eye.
9:42 pm – OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT BURNS! WHY?!?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS PAIN???
9:48 pm – Ooh, found a cookie! Must celebrate with a little more wine!
10:00 pm – Yeah, I don’t know if I did this right, I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to have chunks of oatmeal on my face making me look like I have smallpox. I seriously feel like the Quacker Oats guy went on one of those lemon detox cleanses, and just came on my face.
10:30 pm – Take the dog out to pee. Unfortunately forgot about oatmeal mask and t-shirt hair wrap, until noticed by a horrified yet concerned neighbor. Run back up stairs, finish off wine and wait to see if the police and/or CDC knocks.
10:45 pm – Shower time! Using the oil as a shaving cream remarkably uneventful. Did not slip in a puddle of coconut oil like I expected, so I’m counting this as a win, no matter what the results are!
Hair – So soft, no frizziness! For the first few days after, my hair was just limp, flaccid, and blah looking *. Will I try it again? Eh, probably when my hair starts to get really dry again. Maybe before I get my next haircut so the hair stylist doesn’t get all judge-y about my dry hair and try to sell me more crap.
Face – Meh. Not a result I wouldn’t get with a decent soap. Waste of an egg, and burns like satan’s asshole if it gets in your eye. Too much effort.
Legs – I am now a total coconut oil for a shaving cream convert**! One of the best shaves ever, despite the shitty razor. Love it! And not to go into too many details, but I haven’t had any of those embarrassing bikini line red bumps.
$9 – bottle of unrefined organic coconut oil.
$12 – wine.
$1.50 – bottle of lemon juice.
$ 0.25 – 1 egg.
However much 2 tablespoons of oatmeal cost
Respect of 1 neighbor***
* That’s what she said.
** In the spirit of full disclosure, I don’t use shaving cremes in general, so I don’t really have a lot to compare it to.
*** Well, in all honesty I probably didn’t have that in the first place.