Things That Really Piss Me Off

Well, I’ve started to delve into a bit about being fat. You didn’t think you’d get off without hearing about me being angry, did you? So here it is, a few of the things that really piss me off (in no particular order):

Skinny jeans – particularly on guys. I have no interest, and I think I speak for most women, in seeing your moose knuckle.* And for those guys who think it’s acceptable to go all low rider with your skinny jeans? Dude. Honestly, the first time I saw this, I was actually kind of impressed. I didn’t think I could be more appalled by the skinny jean trend. And then you, you jeans that remind me of a toddler in a diaper that needs to be changed, you came along. The only thing that’s more horrifying than seeing your moose knuckle is the possibility that your junk may actually weasel it’s way out of the top of your pants.

And while I’m on the subject…

Speedos – On the bright side, most people who wear speedos, should be wearing speedos. Even still, you look kind of like you’re carrying grapes in the wrong bag.

Sheryl Crow – She knows what she did.

Bicyclists – At least, the ones who think they don’t need to obey the same rules of the road that cars do. Guess what, speed racer? If I hit you because you didn’t stop at a stop sign, worst case scenario is that I need a new windshield. Most likely, I just need to hit the car wash. Ride with a little bit of common sense. Stop at the stop signs we’re all supposed to stop at. Have the decency to look before you pull out in front of a car. If you want the same right to the road that a car has, you need not be a total douchebag about it.

Dog owners who let their dogs jump on people – Don’t get me wrong here, I love dogs. In fact, I’m more concerned that your dog is ok, despite the fact he bit you. That’s why this one isn’t addressed to the dogs, it’s their owners. I know your dog is just excited, and I don’t think he’s going to intentionally hurt me. But it’s still rude. What if I were afraid of dogs? That would scare the shit out of me. And while I’m smart enough to know better than to wear anything really nice to a dog park, that doesn’t mean I want to be covered in muddy paw prints.

People who say “ask me a question!” – Before I was lucky enough to meet my husband, I would hear this on dates. Asshole, if I wanted to ask you something, I would. This is not an interview, why can’t we let things come around naturally? I’m not going to ask you what you think your strengths and goals are and why you left your last relationship – unless the conversation has something to do with that. And if it is an interview, well, you’re still an asshole, but at least it’s an expected question.

People who say “guess what?” and actually expect you to guess – Guess what happened today? How would I know? The possibilities are endless. You saw Jesus in your cat’s hairball? You lucked out on the ol’ broken condom/Russian roulette this month? They didn’t have enough evidence to convict you? Just tell me, for fucks sake.

Anyone over the age of 25 who uses hashtags – Looking through my Facebook feed, I see the hashtags “love”, “bitchesbetrippin”, “lostmyphone”, “spoky”*, and last but not least, “bored”. Does anyone actually follow through on the link? This is only slightly worse than those who write “so and so is feeling frustrated!” and then writes what they’re frustrated about. For fucks sake, just say “I’m so frustrated, my tire blew out and I crashed into a school!” or whatever happened.

It’s You’re (or your), not ur. Also, it’s Be, not b. To or too, not 2 (unless, you are in fact, referring to the number two). And don’t get me started on the they’re/their/there debacle.

Bae – I think this is supposed to be short for baby. Apparently that one extra syllable is too taxing. Please, God, let this be a short lived trend.

*Moose knuckle: The male equivalent of a camel toe. Well, usually it’s found on a male, however, sometimes women have very aggressive, angry camel toes that can be classified as a moose knuckle. If you’re unsure of what a camel toe is, watch any trashy daytime talk show (i.e.: Maury Povitch, Jerry Springer, that bald guy), and look at the crotch of any woman on the stage. That there, is a camel toe.

*I’m assuming they meant spooky, although I probably would have respected them more if they had meant Spock.


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