As we prepare to say goodbye to the herpes infested bag of dicks that is 2016, it is time to reflect on the past year. We have lost so much in the past 12 months. Prince. Alan Rickman. David Bowie. Brangelina. Our country’s self respect. Gene Wilder. Cultural tolerance and mass human decency. Muhammad Ali. Harambe. Anton Yelchin. Glenn Rhee.
Not gonna lie, some of those really hurt.
What hurt the most though, was the death of facts. Facts, real news, truth.
I’m not here to add to the conversation on the fucked up-ness of fake news and the profound effect they’re having on our society. There’s way too many people who are far more eloquent and smarter than I am discussing it. I don’t even care if you don’t agree with me politically, morally, or religiously. Opinions are opinions. All I ask is that if you’re going to debate about something, just make sure you are factually correct.
That’s all changing now. When you debate someone, you don’t need to actually be correct anymore. And if someone calls you out on it? Just tell them to go google it if they don’t believe you. That’s right, just post a meme showing your position (preferably with a picture of Morgan Freeman) and pawn off all responsibility on others so you don’t have to waste your valuable trolling time with things like fact-checking. So because facts aren’t really a thing to concern yourself with anymore and it’s now socially acceptable to make up whatever the hell you want, here are some of my favorite new “facts”.
- After Harambe was shot, a new federal law saying that anyone who willingly goes into an animal enclosure gives up all their rights when it comes to not being mauled and/or eaten was signed.
- Queen Elizabeth has made 3 cameo appearances in Doctor Who, and did voice-over work for an episode of Sherlock as a poodle that offered love life advice to the Watson after a hilarious incident involving wild mushrooms, a balloon, and a trumpet.
- Actor James Woods actually served as the governor of Idaho for a week while researching a movie role in the late 1990s.
- Trump makes Mexican day laborers choke him in the shower while he masturbates.
- Armored Hippos were actually being trained in WW2 as a ferocious weapon in the Pacific theatre. The program was highly successful, but was ended when a rogue hippo killed 5 marines and admiral Norman Scott before it was able to be put down by a special ops team that were later named navy SEALS.
- DIA was actually legally owned by Nigerian scammers for 36 hours in 1998 when a receptionist in the Dept of Aviation in Denver, CO was told she needed collateral before she would be eligible to make a profit of $9,090,845,832.21.
- In Australia, a female peacock is actually called a peacunt, and her offspring are called Chickpeas.
- Fred Rogers (aka, Mr Rogers) was one of the original members of Megadeath. Despite his incredible bass guitar playing, he was kicked out of the group because of his cardigan fetish. Bob Ross was considered as a replacement, but he refused to perform out of respect for his friend.
(Side note: You’re probably thinking, “uh, you’d be making up shit like this anyway, just for the hell of it”. And you are correct. The difference is that now, I might get the future president of the United States to believe and tweet it. Sweet.)